The Idiot And His Lover
by Leo et Lab
Summary: "Once upon a time, in a faraway land, lived a princess by the name of Alfred Jones. He was renowned for his immeasurable beauty and numerous suitors arrived at his palace doorstep to request his hand in marriage. Unfortunately for them, there was not a place in Alfred's heart for a young, handsome man. In fact, he was already secretly in love…" USUK Crack!fic written on a whim.


Once upon a time, in a faraway land, lived a princess by the name of Alfred Jones. He was renowned for his immeasurable beauty and numerous suitors arrived at his palace doorstep to request his hand in marriage. Unfortunately for them, there was not a place in Alfred's heart for a young, handsome man. In fact, he was already secretly in love…

For months on end, when the sun fell and the moon rose in its place, a mysterious figure would appear beneath Alfred's balcony, serenading him on his beauty and kindness, and every night, Alfred would fall into a blissful slumber, dreaming of the strange singer and what he may look like.

Soon it had been a year after the usual age of marriage for a young princess like Alfred, but he had not wedded. He had remained stubborn for the twelve months, having only a spot in his heart for the peculiar minstrel. However, his father, the King, was furious at his child's behavior.

"Mein daughter," His Grace, King Ludwig, said aloud one late afternoon, his thunderous voice bouncing off the throne room walls, and blue eyes studying the princess, "is it not about time you were married?"

Sighing exasperatedly, Princess Alfred replied, "Why? I am already happy as I am. Why do I need to marry?"

"Because," King Ludwig began, but was cut off at the sound of the door opening. Father and son looked to see that Alfred's mother, Queen Feliciano, had been the one to enter the room.

"Ve~! Arguing again, I see~!" Queen Feliciano's voice always made him sound like he was singing, for he was known as an adept singer.

_ 'But not as good as my true love,'_ Alfred thought to himself, as the elusive singer's carols began to dance in his head.

"Ve~! Listen to you sigh!" the queen suddenly exclaimed, pulling his Alfred from his musings. "That means that you are in love, am I correct?" The queen smiled mischievously at the princess' blush.

"So you will marry?" King Ludwig inquired excitedly. "Which suitor is it? Ivan, the knight? Or is it Prince Matthew from the north? Or perhaps-"

"Father!" Princess Alfred interrupted, face flushing in embarrassment. "It is none of the boys who came from afar, soliciting for me to wed them! It is someone else!"

The elation in the king's eyes died down, yet softened to reveal empathetic kindness. "And who is it, mein lieber?"

The princess sniffled, his head bowed down shyly as he thought of what to tell his father. Finally, he spoke. "I do not know, Father. I know not his name, nor his face. But I do know -and how is still a mystery to me- that he has a kind and just heart. Every night, as the last rays fade, he appears below the terrace, and sings louder and more beautiful than I have ever known. It is this stranger that has won your daughter's heart, but I long to know who he is."

The princess looked up at her father, expecting him to be outraged that she had chosen a complete stranger over hundreds of handsome princes, brave knights, and knowledgeable scholars. To her surprise, however, King Ludwig did not appear mad. No, instead he was smiling knowingly, nodding his head slowly, and the chuckled underneath his breath.

"Well, mein lieber, I guess I can find this lover of yours," he said. "I will send the pages throughout the city, and find any young man with a voice like you have mentioned. If they are unsuccessful, however, we will confront the sänger tonight, when he appears to sing to you. How does this sound?"

Princess Alfred nodded enthusiastically, his heart suddenly light as a feather. "Oh yes, father!" Then, throwing her arms around the king's neck in an embrace, he squealed out a joyous "thank you" before running out of the room to his bedroom.

However, before Princess Alfred knew it, the sun had set on the kingdom and the pages had returned without success. A few guards were stationed around the garden below the balcony, ready approach the Princess' lover. Yet despite that the moon had risen high above the castle, no mysterious singer arrived, and the only sounds that could be heard was the rustling of tree branches and the occasional cough of a soldier. Soon hours had passed, and the princess couldn't keep his eyes open without nodding off to sleep. Eventually tiresome won, and he drifted off into a fitful dream.

The next morning, when the princess awoke, a feeling of heartbreak and woe washed over him, as he recalled the previous night. However, he forced himself out of bed, albeit dragging his feet and slouching quite unladylike.

_ 'Oh well,'_ he thought to himself, _'Duke Heracles seems like a nice man. And maybe even the short nobleman. What was his name again? Kuku? No, it was Kiku..'_ And so his thoughts continued in that fashion; a rambling, monotonous, spiritless heap of unspoken words.

As he descended down the flight of stairs to breakfast, Princess Alfred's musings grew more and more miserable, and tears sprung to his eyes. Whenever he wiped at the tears, more would only come. The princess took a seat at the last stair step and sobbed to himself, unable to contain the sadness that overtook her. Suddenly he heard the faint sound a note being sung. At first she thought it was a song bird, but the singing increased in volume and Alfred immediately recognized the voice of none other than his lover's. Running as fast as his princess legs could take him, he hurried to the palace's front entrance and threw the door's open to see-

"YOU BLOODY IDIOT WAKE UP!"

"Huh?"

America looked around the room, realizing he had slept through the entire meeting. It looked like everyone except England had left, who was glaring at the American angrily and muttering curses under his breath.

"E-england?" America said aloud, staring at the Briton.

"What now?"

"Iloveyou," he said quickly, his face red as a tomato.

"You're mumbling, I can't understand you," scolded England, his arms crossed.

Suddenly, without thinking, America drew the Englishman into a hug.

"Oi, what are you-"

America tilted his head down and pressed his lips against England's. But no sooner had their lips met, he pushed himself away from his crush, cheeks burning hot. Facing the wall, he said aloud, "I love you Arthur."

No response. None. Had he left already? He probably didn't even _like_ him.

"You're a real idiot, you know that?'

America winced at the harsh words, having half-expected them.

"Why are you so embarrassed?"

America spun around, eyes as big and round as dinner plates. "So you-you're not mad?"

England smiled. "Why would I?" Then, embracing the younger man, he added, "I love you, America." and kissed him…

…and they lived happily ever after. The end.

* * *

**A/N: This was a crack fic for USUK I wrote a while back. Although I don't ship USUK very much, I still think it has its moments. And yes, Alfie's "parents" are Germany and North Italy. 'Cuz why not?**


End file.
